Why Mullets are the superior hairstyle

by Tom Dineen

Look, before you click off this article in disgust and write an apology to your barber for even acknowledging a mullet, hear me out. Just because this is the much maligned hairstyle sported by questionable 80’s celebrities and groups of people who love their family a little too much doesn't mean that it’s cultural significance and frankly unique style should be consigned to the corners of society's secret pleasures cupboard.

Let me just start this by clarifying that, yes I am a proud representative of the mullet community and no, I don't have any romantic feelings towards my immediate family before you ask. I want to bring attention first to the absolute practicality and efficiency of a mullet no matter what the situation. Reinforcing its status as a historic institution, the first conception of mullets appeared in Homer’s Iliad, describing the Abantes (a group of spearmen) as wearing “their forelocks cropped, hair grown long at the backs,” the most common reasoning as to why this style was much beloved was the protection that the long hair at the back provided from the elements. You’re fighting a rival greek provenance in 40 degree heat? Sunburn and heatstroke won’t stand a chance against the mighty UV reflecting power of the mullet. You’re preparing to enter your conspicuous wooden mammal-shaped offering and the heavens open? Don’t worry, it’s widely known that the mere presence of a mullet immediately causes the rain to flee back to the safety of the clouds. One last practicality, as if i needed anymore to convince you, is that your flowing locks won’t be obscuring your vision as you battle against some erotically oiled men in capes

Aesthetically the mullet has it all, it can cover any musical genre, any political standing and generally radiates an aura of undeniable power and infinite wisdom. Any musical genre is simply a walk in the park for a mullet, Hip-Hop and Rap? Look no further than Kanye West circa 2008 rocking the hell out of an ‘80s-inspired mullet. Surely mullets can’t have hit the mainstream I hear you lament, suddenly out of nowhere comes 2013 Rihanna killing that year's New York Fashion Week with a sleek, sophisticated and stylish mullet. Is that not enough for you, enter: Paul McCartney, Toby Kieth, David Bowie, Zendaya, Joan Jett, Dolly Parton and Sir Rod Stewart. That’s what I thought, don’t question the power. Even politically, your mullet can represent your standing, Conservative? Assert your sophistication and standing with a modern mullet style a la 2020 Miley Cyrus, while your brethren across the pond can struct about with a frankly glorious haircut courtesy of Country star Billy Ray Cyrus whose hair was known to simultaneously make women faint as he entered the room, while men stood quaking in their glam rock heels.

Mullets have always been a practical style for sports as well, for the majority of reasons mentioned in the first paragraph and the undisputed jewel in the crown of sporting mullets is none other than our younger sibling: the redneck England.

Australia. In the world of the NRL (the Rugby League premiership in Australia) players have been rocking mullets since the conception of the league. Kevin Hardwick of the Balmain Tigers was recently voted as the best old school mullet of all time by the fans and it’s hard to argue with them honestly. Current stars are carrying on this proud legacy such as, Jai Arrow, Ryan Papenhyzeun, Josh Papali and Andrew Fifita. Don’t worry, i wouldn’t limit you to only one glorious, mullet worshipping sport, the AFL (Australian Football League), also known as Aussie Rules is a petri dish ripe with beautiful examples, with the most prevalent being held by Bailey Smith of the Western Bulldogs who’s mullet is an act of God. Honestly just put it in the middle of your candle-lit shrine next to Hardwick and Billy Ray Cyrus.

I know that mullets aren’t everyone's cup of tea for some reason, but as a hairstyle it’s hard to name anything more iconic and entrenched within the cultural zeitgeist. And yes, when I'm older I will probably look back at photos of myself with a mullet and mutter to the nurse in the hospital “I don't know what I was thinking.” But that’s the beauty of youth, so go out and grab life by the beautifully conditioned mullet.

Practicing mulletaholic, Tom Dineen.